14岁男生跳楼身亡真相曝光：夺走孩子命的，不是妈妈那两巴掌

发布时间：2020-09-22 21:22:34来源：树儿微刊

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WhenPaulJobswasmusteredoutoftheCoastGuardafterWorldWarII,hemadeawagerwithhiscrewmates.TheyhadarrivedinSanFrancisco,wheretheirshipwasdecommissioned,andPaulbetthathewouldfindhimselfawifewithintwoweeks.Hewasataut,tattooedenginemechanic,sixfeettall,withapassingresemblancetoJamesDean.Butitwasn’thislooksthatgothimadatewithClaraHagopian,asweet-humoreddaughterofArmenianimmigrants.Itwasthefactthatheandhisfriendshadacar,unlikethegroupshehadoriginallyplannedtogooutwiththatevening.Tendayslater,inMarch1946,PaulgotengagedtoClaraandwonhiswager.Itwouldturnouttobeahappymarriage,onethatlasteduntildeathpartedthemmorethanfortyyearslater.PaulReinholdJobshadbeenraisedonadairyfarminGermantown,Wisconsin.Eventhoughhisfatherwasanalcoholicandsometimesabusive,Paulendedupwithagentleandcalmdispositionunderhisleatheryexterior.Afterdroppingoutofhighschool,hewanderedthroughtheMidwestpickingupworkasamechanicuntil,atagenineteen,hejoinedtheCoastGuard,eventhoughhedidn’tknowhowtoswim.HewasdeployedontheUSSGeneralM.C.MeigsandspentmuchofthewarferryingtroopstoItalyforGeneralPatton.Histalentasamachinistandfiremanearnedhimcommendations,butheoccasionallyfoundhimselfinminortroubleandneverroseabovetherankofseaman.ClarawasborninNewJersey,whereherparentshadlandedafterfleeingtheTurksinArmenia,andtheymovedtotheMissionDistrictofSanFranciscowhenshewasachild.Shehadasecretthatsherarelymentionedtoanyone:Shehadbeenmarriedbefore,butherhusbandhadbeenkilledinthewar.SowhenshemetPaulJobsonthatfirstdate,shewasprimedtostartanewlife.Likemanywholivedthroughthewar,theyhadexperiencedenoughexcitementthat,whenitwasover,theydesiredsimplytosettledown,raiseafamily,andleadalesseventfullife.Theyhadlittlemoney,sotheymovedtoWisconsinandlivedwithPaul’sparentsforafewyears,thenheadedforIndiana,wherehegotajobasamachinistforInternationalHarvester.Hispassionwastinkeringwitholdcars,andhemademoneyinhissparetimebuying,restoring,andsellingthem.Eventuallyhequithisdayjobtobecomeafull-timeusedcarsalesman.Clara,however,lovedSanFrancisco,andin1952sheconvincedherhusbandtomovebackthere.TheygotanapartmentintheSunsetDistrictfacingthePacific,justsouthofGoldenGatePark,andhetookajobworkingforafinancecompanyasa“repoman,”pickingthelocksofcarswhoseownershadn’tpaidtheirloansandrepossessingthem.Healsobought,repaired,andsoldsomeofthecars,makingadecentenoughlivingintheprocess.Therewas,however,somethingmissingintheirlives.Theywantedchildren,butClarahadsufferedanectopicpregnancy,inwhichthefertilizedeggwasimplantedinafallopiantuberatherthantheuterus,andshehadbeenunabletohaveany.Soby1955,afternineyearsofmarriage,theywerelookingtoadoptachild.LikePaulJobs,JoanneSchieblewasfromaruralWisconsinfamilyofGermanheritage.Herfather,ArthurSchieble,hadimmigratedtotheoutskirtsofGreenBay,whereheandhiswifeownedaminkfarmanddabbledsuccessfullyinvariousotherbusinesses,includingrealestateandphotoengraving.Hewasverystrict,especiallyregardinghisdaughter’srelationships,andhehadstronglydisapprovedofherfirstlove,anartistwhowasnotaCatholic.ThusitwasnosurprisethathethreatenedtocutJoanneoffcompletelywhen,asagraduatestudentattheUniversityofWisconsin,shefellinlovewithAbdulfattah“John”Jandali,aMuslimteachingassistantfromSyria.JandaliwastheyoungestofninechildreninaprominentSyrianfamily.Hisfatherownedoilrefineriesandmultipleotherbusinesses,withlargeholdingsinDamascusandHoms,andatonepointprettymuchcontrolledthepriceofwheatintheregion.Hismother,helatersaid,wasa“traditionalMuslimwoman”whowasa“conservative,obedienthousewife.”LiketheSchieblefamily,theJandalisputapremiumoneducation.AbdulfattahwassenttoaJesuitboardingschool,eventhoughhewasMuslim,andhegotanundergraduatedegreeattheAmericanUniversityinBeirutbeforeenteringtheUniversityofWisconsintopursueadoctoraldegreeinpoliticalscience.Inthesummerof1954,JoannewentwithAbdulfattahtoSyria.TheyspenttwomonthsinHoms,whereshelearnedfromhisfamilytocookSyriandishes.WhentheyreturnedtoWisconsinshediscoveredthatshewaspregnant.Theywerebothtwenty-three,buttheydecidednottogetmarried.Herfatherwasdyingatthetime,andhehadthreatenedtodisownherifshewedAbdulfattah.NorwasabortionaneasyoptioninasmallCatholiccommunity.Soinearly1955,JoannetraveledtoSanFrancisco,whereshewastakenintothecareofakindlydoctorwhoshelteredunwedmothers,deliveredtheirbabies,andquietlyarrangedclosedadoptions.Joannehadonerequirement:Herchildmustbeadoptedbycollegegraduates.Sothedoctorarrangedforthebabytobeplacedwithalawyerandhiswife.Butwhenaboywasborn—onFebruary24,1955—thedesignatedcoupledecidedthattheywantedagirlandbackedout.Thusitwasthattheboybecamethesonnotofalawyerbutofahighschooldropoutwithapassionformechanicsandhissalt-of-the-earthwifewhowasworkingasabookkeeper.PaulandClaranamedtheirnewbabyStevenPaulJobs.WhenJoannefoundoutthatherbabyhadbeenplacedwithacouplewhohadnotevengraduatedfromhighschool,sherefusedtosigntheadoptionpapers.Thestandofflastedweeks,evenafterthebabyhadsettledintotheJobshousehold.EventuallyJoannerelented,withthestipulationthatthecouplepromise—indeedsignapledge—tofundasavingsaccounttopayfortheboy’scollegeeducation.TherewasanotherreasonthatJoannewasbalkyaboutsigningtheadoptionpapers.Herfatherwasabouttodie,andsheplannedtomarryJandalisoonafter.Sheheldouthope,shewouldlatertellfamilymembers,sometimestearingupatthememory,thatoncetheyweremarried,shecouldgettheirbabyboyback.ArthurSchieblediedinAugust1955,aftertheadoptionwasfinalized.JustafterChristmasthatyear,JoanneandAbdulfattahweremarriedinSt.PhiliptheApostleCatholicChurchinGreenBay.HegothisPhDininternationalpoliticsthenextyear,andthentheyhadanotherchild,agirlnamedMona.AftersheandJandalidivorcedin1962,Joanneembarkedonadreamyandperipateticlifethatherdaughter,whogrewuptobecometheacclaimednovelistMonaSimpson,wouldcaptureinherbookAnywherebutHere.BecauseSteve’sadoptionhadbeenclosed,itwouldbetwentyyearsbeforetheywouldallfindeachother.SteveJobsknewfromanearlyagethathewasadopted.“Myparentswereveryopenwithmeaboutthat,”herecalled.Hehadavividmemoryofsittingonthelawnofhishouse,whenhewassixorsevenyearsold,tellingthegirlwholivedacrossthestreet.“Sodoesthatmeanyourrealparentsdidn’twantyou?”thegirlasked.“Lightningboltswentoffinmyhead,”accordingtoJobs.“Irememberrunningintothehouse,crying.Andmyparentssaid,‘No,youhavetounderstand.’Theywereveryseriousandlookedmestraightintheeye.Theysaid,‘Wespecificallypickedyouout.’Bothofmyparentssaidthatandrepeateditslowlyforme.Andtheyputanemphasisoneverywordinthatsentence.”Abandoned.Chosen.Special.ThoseconceptsbecamepartofwhoJobswasandhowheregardedhimself.Hisclosestfriendsthinkthattheknowledgethathewasgivenupatbirthleftsomescars.“Ithinkhisdesireforcompletecontrolofwhateverhemakesderivesdirectlyfromhispersonalityandthefactthathewasabandonedatbirth,”saidonelongtimecolleague,DelYocam.“Hewantstocontrolhisenvironment,andheseestheproductasanextensionofhimself.”GregCalhoun,whobecameclosetoJobsrightaftercollege,sawanothereffect.“Stevetalkedtomealotaboutbeingabandonedandthepainthatcaused,”hesaid.“Itmadehimindependent.Hefollowedthebeatofadifferentdrummer,andthatcamefrombeinginadifferentworldthanhewasborninto.”Laterinlife,whenhewasthesameagehisbiologicalfatherhadbeenwhenheabandonedhim,Jobswouldfatherandabandonachildofhisown.(Heeventuallytookresponsibilityforher.)ChrisannBrennan,themotherofthatchild,saidthatbeingputupforadoptionleftJobs“fullofbrokenglass,”andithelpstoexplainsomeofhisbehavior.“Hewhoisabandonedisanabandoner,”shesaid.AndyHertzfeld,whoworkedwithJobsatAppleintheearly1980s,isamongthefewwhoremainedclosetobothBrennanandJobs.“ThekeyquestionaboutSteveiswhyhecan’tcontrolhimselfattimesfrombeingsoreflexivelycruelandharmfultosomepeople,”hesaid.“Thatgoesbacktobeingabandonedatbirth.TherealunderlyingproblemwasthethemeofabandonmentinSteve’slife.”Jobsdismissedthis.“There’ssomenotionthatbecauseIwasabandoned,IworkedveryhardsoIcoulddowellandmakemyparentswishtheyhadmeback,orsomesuchnonsense,butthat’sridiculous,”heinsisted.“KnowingIwasadoptedmayhavemademefeelmoreindependent,butIhaveneverfeltabandoned.I’vealwaysfeltspecial.Myparentsmademefeelspecial.”HewouldlaterbristlewheneveranyonereferredtoPaulandClaraJobsashis“adoptive”parentsorimpliedthattheywerenothis“real”parents.“Theyweremyparents1,000%,”hesaid.Whenspeakingabouthisbiologicalparents,ontheotherhand,hewascurt:“Theyweremyspermandeggbank.That’snotharsh,it’sjustthewayitwas,aspermbankthing,nothingmore.”SiliconValleyThechildhoodthatPaulandClaraJobscreatedfortheirnewsonwas,inmanyways,astereotypeofthelate1950s.WhenStevewastwotheyadoptedagirltheynamedPatty,andthreeyearslatertheymovedtoatracthouseinthesuburbs.ThefinancecompanywherePaulworkedasarepoman,CIT,hadtransferredhimdowntoitsPaloAltooffice,buthecouldnotaffordtolivethere,sotheylandedinasubdivisioninMountainView,alessexpensivetownjusttothesouth.TherePaultriedtopassalonghisloveofmechanicsandcars.“Steve,thisisyourworkbenchnow,”hesaidashemarkedoffasectionofthetableintheirgarage.Jobsrememberedbeingimpressedbyhisfather’sfocusoncraftsmanship.“Ithoughtmydad’ssenseofdesignwasprettygood,”hesaid,“becauseheknewhowtobuildanything.Ifweneededacabinet,hewouldbuildit.Whenhebuiltourfence,hegavemeahammersoIcouldworkwithhim.”FiftyyearslaterthefencestillsurroundsthebackandsideyardsofthehouseinMountainView.AsJobsshoweditofftome,hecaressedthestockadepanelsandrecalledalessonthathisfatherimplanteddeeplyinhim.Itwasimportant,hisfathersaid,tocraftthebacksofcabinetsandfencesproperly,eventhoughtheywerehidden.“Heloveddoingthingsright.Heevencaredaboutthelookofthepartsyoucouldn’tsee.”Hisfathercontinuedtorefurbishandresellusedcars,andhefestoonedthegaragewithpicturesofhisfavorites.Hewouldpointoutthedetailingofthedesigntohisson:thelines,thevents,thechrome,thetrimoftheseats.Afterworkeachday,hewouldchangeintohisdungareesandretreattothegarage,oftenwithStevetaggingalong.“IfiguredIcouldgethimnaileddownwithalittlemechanicalability,buthereallywasn’tinterestedingettinghishandsdirty,”Paullaterrecalled.“Heneverreallycaredtoomuchaboutmechanicalthings.”“Iwasn’tthatintofixingcars,”Jobsadmitted.“ButIwaseagertohangoutwithmydad.”Evenashewasgrowingmoreawarethathehadbeenadopted,hewasbecomingmoreattachedtohisfather.Onedaywhenhewasabouteight,hediscoveredaphotographofhisfatherfromhistimeintheCoastGuard.“He’sintheengineroom,andhe’sgothisshirtoffandlookslikeJamesDean.ItwasoneofthoseOhwowmomentsforakid.Wow,oooh,myparentswereactuallyonceveryyoungandreallygood-looking.”Throughcars,hisfathergaveStevehisfirstexposuretoelectronics.“Mydaddidnothaveadeepunderstandingofelectronics,buthe’dencountereditalotinautomobilesandotherthingshewouldfix.Heshowedmetherudimentsofelectronics,andIgotveryinterestedinthat.”Evenmoreinterestingwerethetripstoscavengeforparts.“Everyweekend,there’dbeajunkyardtrip.We’dbelookingforagenerator,acarburetor,allsortsofcomponents.”Herememberedwatchinghisfathernegotiateatthecounter.“Hewasagoodbargainer,becauseheknewbetterthantheguysatthecounterwhatthepartsshouldcost.”Thishelpedfulfillthepledgehisparentsmadewhenhewasadopted.“Mycollegefundcamefrommydadpaying$50foraFordFalconorsomeotherbeat-upcarthatdidn’trun,workingonitforafewweeks,andsellingitfor$250—andnottellingtheIRS.”TheJobses’houseandtheothersintheirneighborhoodwerebuiltbytherealestatedeveloperJosephEichler,whosecompanyspawnedmorethaneleventhousandhomesinvariousCaliforniasubdivisionsbetween1950and1974.InspiredbyFrankLloydWright’svisionofsimplemodernhomesfortheAmerican“everyman,”Eichlerbuiltinexpensivehousesthatfeaturedfloor-to-ceilingglasswalls,openfloorplans,exposedpost-and-beamconstruction,concreteslabfloors,andlotsofslidingglassdoors.“Eichlerdidagreatthing,”Jobssaidononeofourwalksaroundtheneighborhood.“Hishousesweresmartandcheapandgood.Theybroughtcleandesignandsimpletastetolower-incomepeople.Theyhadawesomelittlefeatures,likeradiantheatinginthefloors.Youputcarpetonthem,andwehadnicetoastyfloorswhenwewerekids.”JobssaidthathisappreciationforEichlerhomesinstilledinhimapassionformakingnicelydesignedproductsforthemassmarket.“Iloveitwhenyoucanbringreallygreatdesignandsimplecapabilitytosomethingthatdoesn’tcostmuch,”hesaidashepointedoutthecleaneleganceofthehouses.“ItwastheoriginalvisionforApple.That’swhatwetriedtodowiththefirstMac.That’swhatwedidwiththeiPod.”AcrossthestreetfromtheJobsfamilylivedamanwhohadbecomesuccessfulasarealestateagent.“Hewasn’tthatbright,”Jobsrecalled,“butheseemedtobemakingafortune.Somydadthought,‘Icandothat.’Heworkedsohard,Iremember.Hetookthesenightclasses,passedthelicensetest,andgotintorealestate.Thenthebottomfelloutofthemarket.”Asaresult,thefamilyfounditselffinanciallystrappedforayearorsowhileStevewasinelementaryschool.HismothertookajobasabookkeeperforVarianAssociates,acompanythatmadescientificinstruments,andtheytookoutasecondmortgage.Onedayhisfourth-gradeteacheraskedhim,“Whatisityoudon’tunderstandabouttheuniverse?”Jobsreplied,“Idon’tunderstandwhyallofasuddenmydadissobroke.”Hewasproudthathisfatherneveradoptedaservileattitudeorslickstylethatmayhavemadehimabettersalesman.“Youhadtosuckuptopeopletosellrealestate,andhewasn’tgoodatthatanditwasn’tinhisnature.Iadmiredhimforthat.”PaulJobswentbacktobeingamechanic.Hisfatherwascalmandgentle,traitsthathissonlaterpraisedmorethanemulated.Hewasalsoresolute.Jobsdescribedoneexample:NearbywasanengineerwhowasworkingatWestinghouse.Hewasasingleguy,beatniktype.Hehadagirlfriend.Shewouldbabysitmesometimes.Bothmyparentsworked,soIwouldcomehererightafterschoolforacoupleofhours.Hewouldgetdrunkandhitheracoupleoftimes.Shecameoveronenight,scaredoutofherwits,andhecameoverdrunk,andmydadstoodhimdown—saying“She’shere,butyou’renotcomingin.”Hestoodrightthere.Weliketothinkeverythingwasidyllicinthe1950s,butthisguywasoneofthoseengineerswhohadmessed-uplives.Whatmadetheneighborhooddifferentfromthethousandsofotherspindly-treesubdivisionsacrossAmericawasthateventhene’er-do-wellstendedtobeengineers.“Whenwemovedhere,therewereapricotandplumorchardsonallofthesecorners,”Jobsrecalled.“Butitwasbeginningtoboombecauseofmilitaryinvestment.”Hesoakedupthehistoryofthevalleyanddevelopedayearningtoplayhisownrole.EdwinLandofPolaroidlatertoldhimaboutbeingaskedbyEisenhowertohelpbuildtheU-2spyplanecamerastoseehowrealtheSovietthreatwas.ThefilmwasdroppedincanistersandreturnedtotheNASAAmesResearchCenterinSunnyvale,notfarfromwhereJobslived.“ThefirstcomputerterminalIeversawwaswhenmydadbroughtmetotheAmesCenter,”hesaid.“Ifelltotallyinlovewithit.”Otherdefensecontractorssproutednearbyduringthe1950s.TheLockheedMissilesandSpaceDivision,whichbuiltsubmarine-launchedballisticmissiles,wasfoundedin1956nexttotheNASACenter;bythetimeJobsmovedtotheareafouryearslater,itemployedtwentythousandpeople.Afewhundredyardsaway,Westinghousebuiltfacilitiesthatproducedtubesandelectricaltransformersforthemissilesystems.“Youhadallthesemilitarycompaniesonthecuttingedge,”herecalled.“Itwasmysteriousandhigh-techandmadelivinghereveryexciting.”Inthewakeofthedefenseindustriestherearoseaboomingeconomybasedontechnology.Itsrootsstretchedbackto1938,whenDavidPackardandhisnewwifemovedintoahouseinPaloAltothathadashedwherehisfriendBillHewlettwassoonensconced.Thehousehadagarage—anappendagethatwouldprovebothusefulandiconicinthevalley—inwhichtheytinkeredarounduntiltheyhadtheirfirstproduct,anaudiooscillator.Bythe1950s,Hewlett-Packardwasafast-growingcompanymakingtechnicalinstruments.Fortunatelytherewasaplacenearbyforentrepreneurswhohadoutgrowntheirgarages.Inamovethatwouldhelptransformtheareaintothecradleofthetechrevolution,StanfordUniversity’sdeanofengineering,FrederickTerman,createdaseven-hundred-acreindustrialparkonuniversitylandforprivatecompaniesthatcouldcommercializetheideasofhisstudents.ItsfirsttenantwasVarianAssociates,whereClaraJobsworked.“Termancameupwiththisgreatideathatdidmorethananythingtocausethetechindustrytogrowuphere,”Jobssaid.BythetimeJobswasten,HPhadninethousandemployeesandwastheblue-chipcompanywhereeveryengineerseekingfinancialstabilitywantedtowork.Themostimportanttechnologyfortheregion’sgrowthwas,ofcourse,thesemiconductor.WilliamShockley,whohadbeenoneoftheinventorsofthetransistoratBellLabsinNewJersey,movedouttoMountainViewand,in1956,startedacompanytobuildtransistorsusingsiliconratherthanthemoreexpensivegermaniumthatwasthencommonlyused.ButShockleybecameincreasinglyerraticandabandonedhissilicontransistorproject,whichledeightofhisengineers—mostnotablyRobertNoyceandGordonMoore—tobreakawaytoformFairchildSemiconductor.Thatcompanygrewtotwelvethousandemployees,butitfragmentedin1968,whenNoycelostapowerstruggletobecomeCEO.HetookGordonMooreandfoundedacompanythattheycalledIntegratedElectronicsCorporation,whichtheysoonsmartlyabbreviatedtoIntel.TheirthirdemployeewasAndrewGrove,wholaterwouldgrowthecompanybyshiftingitsfocusfrommemorychipstomicroprocessors.Withinafewyearstherewouldbemorethanfiftycompaniesintheareamakingsemiconductors.TheexponentialgrowthofthisindustrywascorrelatedwiththephenomenonfamouslydiscoveredbyMoore,whoin1965drewagraphofthespeedofintegratedcircuits,basedonthenumberoftransistorsthatcouldbeplacedonachip,andshowedthatitdoubledabouteverytwoyears,atrajectorythatcouldbeexpectedtocontinue.Thiswasreaffirmedin1971,whenIntelwasabletoetchacompletecentralprocessingunitontoonechip,theIntel4004,whichwasdubbeda“microprocessor.”Moore’sLawhasheldgenerallytruetothisday,anditsreliableprojectionofperformancetopriceallowedtwogenerationsofyoungentrepreneurs,includingSteveJobsandBillGates,tocreatecostprojectionsfortheirforward-leaningproducts.ThechipindustrygavetheregionanewnamewhenDonHoefler,acolumnistfortheweeklytradepaperElectronicNews,beganaseriesinJanuary1971entitled“SiliconValleyUSA.”Theforty-mileSantaClaraValley,whichstretchesfromSouthSanFranciscothroughPaloAltotoSanJose,hasasitscommercialbackboneElCaminoReal,theroyalroadthatonceconnectedCalifornia’stwenty-onemissionchurchesandisnowabustlingavenuethatconnectscompaniesandstartupsaccountingforathirdoftheventurecapitalinvestmentintheUnitedStateseachyear.“Growingup,Igotinspiredbythehistoryoftheplace,”Jobssaid.“Thatmademewanttobeapartofit.”Likemostkids,hebecameinfusedwiththepassionsofthegrown-upsaroundhim.“Mostofthedadsintheneighborhooddidreallyneatstuff,likephotovoltaicsandbatteriesandradar,”Jobsrecalled.“Igrewupinaweofthatstuffandaskingpeopleaboutit.”Themostimportantoftheseneighbors,LarryLang,livedsevendoorsaway.“HewasmymodelofwhatanHPengineerwassupposedtobe:abighamradiooperator,hard-coreelectronicsguy,”Jobsrecalled.“Hewouldbringmestufftoplaywith.”AswewalkeduptoLang’soldhouse,Jobspointedtothedriveway.“Hetookacarbonmicrophoneandabatteryandaspeaker,andheputitonthisdriveway.Hehadmetalkintothecarbonmikeanditamplifiedoutofthespeaker.”Jobshadbeentaughtbyhisfatherthatmicrophonesalwaysrequiredanelectronicamplifier.“SoIracedhome,andItoldmydadthathewaswrong.”“No,itneedsanamplifier,”hisfatherassuredhim.WhenSteveprotestedotherwise,hisfathersaidhewascrazy.“Itcan’tworkwithoutanamplifier.There’ssometrick.”“Ikeptsayingnotomydad,tellinghimhehadtoseeit,andfinallyheactuallywalkeddownwithmeandsawit.Andhesaid,‘WellI’llbeabatoutofhell.’”Jobsrecalledtheincidentvividlybecauseitwashisfirstrealizationthathisfatherdidnotknoweverything.Thenamoredisconcertingdiscoverybegantodawnonhim:Hewassmarterthanhisparents.Hehadalwaysadmiredhisfather’scompetenceandsavvy.“Hewasnotaneducatedman,butIhadalwaysthoughthewasprettydamnsmart.Hedidn’treadmuch,buthecoulddoalot.Almosteverythingmechanical,hecouldfigureitout.”Yetthecarbonmicrophoneincident,Jobssaid,beganajarringprocessofrealizingthathewasinfactmorecleverandquickthanhisparents.“Itwasaverybigmomentthat’sburnedintomymind.WhenIrealizedthatIwassmarterthanmyparents,Ifelttremendousshameforhavingthoughtthat.Iwillneverforgetthatmoment.”Thisdiscovery,helatertoldfriends,alongwiththefactthathewasadopted,madehimfeelapart—detachedandseparate—frombothhisfamilyandtheworld.Anotherlayerofawarenessoccurredsoonafter.Notonlydidhediscoverthathewasbrighterthanhisparents,buthediscoveredthattheyknewthis.PaulandClaraJobswerelovingparents,andtheywerewillingtoadapttheirlivestosuitasonwhowasverysmart—andalsowillful.Theywouldgotogreatlengthstoaccommodatehim.AndsoonStevediscoveredthisfactaswell.“Bothmyparentsgotme.TheyfeltalotofresponsibilityoncetheysensedthatIwasspecial.Theyfoundwaystokeepfeedingmestuffandputtingmeinbetterschools.Theywerewillingtodefertomyneeds.”Sohegrewupnotonlywithasenseofhavingoncebeenabandoned,butalsowithasensethathewasspecial.Inhisownmind,thatwasmoreimportantintheformationofhispersonality.SchoolEvenbeforeJobsstartedelementaryschool,hismotherhadtaughthimhowtoread.This,however,ledtosomeproblemsoncehegottoschool.“Iwaskindofboredforthefirstfewyears

作者：刘娜

来源：闲时花开（ID：xsha369）

9月17号，湖北武汉的江夏一中。

14岁的初三男孩张某锐，爬上5楼教学楼的围墙，纵身一跃，送医后宣告不治身亡。

据封面新闻报道，张某锐当天在教室和其他两名同学玩扑克牌，三个孩子都被班主任要求家长到校配合管教。

张的母亲来到学校后，气势汹汹地走到儿子面前，二话不说，在五楼的楼道里，扇了他两个耳光。

男生的妈妈怎么和老师沟通的，不太清楚。

监控拍到的画面是，走廊里，妈妈打了孩子一个耳光，孩子挡了一下。

妈妈非常生气地说了几句话后，男生立正站好，妈妈伸手又打了男生一个耳光。

接下来，妈妈情绪应该非常崩溃，因为她随后又是掐儿子的脖子，又是戳儿子的额头，嘴里还嘟囔着什么。

妈妈离开后，男生在走廊里静立了两分钟，突然爬上栏杆，从5楼纵身一跃。

一个14岁的少年，就这样走了。

非常抱歉，以这样的方式认识他。

但我想，此刻最无法原谅自己的，应该是他的妈妈。

就像上海17岁少年跳桥事件一样，在孩子纵身一跳之后，全世界都在怜惜中众说纷纭，而那个情绪崩溃的妈妈，却永远地失去了她的孩子，一辈子都活在无法饶恕自己的负罪感里。

妈妈当然是不对的，不管是从教育方式还是情绪管理。

但是，仅仅是妈妈的几句话，两个巴掌，一顿推搡，那个孩子就选择结束了自己的生命吗?

不是的。

早在这个惨案以如此悲痛的方式爆发前，这个家庭已经隐藏了太多的亲子矛盾。

悲剧，不过是以极端的方式，把一个家庭内部长久藏匿的暗伤，撕开一个口子曝光给世人看，并提醒所有围观者：

教育的问题，从来不是一天养成的问题。

孩子的问题，从来不是一次冲突的问题。

早在很久很久之前，孩子就病了，家长却讳疾忌医。

问题孩子背后

都站着缺席的家长

儿童心理学上有句话：

当你发现你的孩子有问题时，其实你已经错过了10次陪他改正的机会。

如果有一台摄像机，能从孩子出生起，就记录下他成长的轨迹，我们就会发现：

当一个孩子出现某方面的问题之前，他其实向大人求助过很多次。

比如，孩子注意力不集中，是长久以来，大人没有给他一个安静有序的环境，他的注意力总是被嘈杂的声音吸引，直至最后连5分钟也安静不下来。

比如，孩子暴躁爱哭不讲理，是大人们没有耐心和他沟通，或者习惯用“只要一哭就满足”的溺爱喂养他，直至他以此来要挟大人。

比如，孩子特别痴迷手机游戏，是大人们一忙就把手机扔给孩子，借此逃避陪伴的劳累，且在规则不明的模糊中，让孩子觉得随便玩也没问题。

孩子身上的毛病，都能在我们身上看到原型，也都能在我们家庭找到病根。

就像武汉14岁男生跳楼事件，妈妈当众对孩子的崩溃和殴打，大概率不是此时此地只发生这一次。

也像你们家，孩子痴迷手机游戏，是他从小和外公外婆在一起时，就是想玩手机就能玩的，想看电视就能看的，想吃独食就吃独食的，甚至想殴打大人都是没问题的。

他在没有规矩中长大，当然就不懂方圆；

他被当祖宗养，当然就不会共情他人；

他没有被人指出过错误，当然也就无法在被纠正中，明白是非。

为什么所有的教育专家和心理学家，都说0—6岁是儿童成长的关键期？

因为，那是一张白纸的第一笔，一篇文字的第一段，一个天使的第一步，是习惯养成的第一个阶段，是亲子连接的第一座桥梁。

非常可悲的是，很多父母，在孩子6岁之前时，因为种种原因，没有给予安全而充分的陪伴，当孩子一身毛病时，又极其嫌恶地指责：

“你怎么这样，你怎么那样，你太给我丢人了！我怎么会有你这样的孩子！”

这样的家长，没有资格嫌弃孩子，而是要向孩子道歉。

因为，每个有毛病的孩子，都在通过伤害自己的方式，向父母发出呼喊：

“爸爸妈妈，看见我，我生病了，需要你们花些时间，把我带出坏习惯的沼泽，否则我会沉溺的。”

看见你的孩子，看见他今天所有的问题，都是对你们缺席太久的敌意。

不要随便给他扣上“坏”“叛逆”“堕落”的帽子，知道他今天所有的问题，你们也有份儿。

像对待新生儿一样宽容接纳他，从第一个好习惯开始引领他，给他时间，给他肯定，他才可能在你们的看见中，主动改变自己。

从心态上做到这一点，你才在行动上做到下一点——

挽救一个孩子

其实是捋顺他周围的关系

每个人的内心世界，都是他所处关系的反映。

所以，挽救或治愈一个孩子，要治疗的并非是这个孩子，而是他周围的关系，确切来说，是他和父母的关系。

很多父母看不到这一点，发现孩子有了问题，就病急乱投医，认为都是孩子的错，甚至把孩子送到杨永信这类骗子那里，这样只会亲手毁了孩子。

你们家的孩子，自幼由外公外婆抚养，虽然你们是他的父母，但外公外婆更像是他心理上的父母。

他进入青春期后，你们把他带到身边，给他贴上“变坏了”的标签，武断切断他和老人的关系，但又没有时间、耐心和方法，去修复你们和他之间的关系。

这个孩子，在关系的突然断裂中，就会无所适从，异常叛逆。

他离开了溺爱的外公外婆，对你们又缺乏亲密和信赖，孤独无助中，他必须抓住什么，去建立一种被无限包容、无限接纳的关系。

手机和游戏，就这样成了替代品。

现实中，他无法和亲近的人，建立持续而亲密的爱。游戏中，他才和虚幻的人，建立脆弱而痴迷的网。

要知道，每个沉迷网络游戏的孩子，其实都是一个对现实失望的少年，确切地说，是对父母失望的少年。

不要再恨铁不成钢地斥责你的孩子：“你为什么对游戏这么痴迷？”

从一点一滴上，陪他多回到现实中和人发生连接。

陪他锻炼，带他旅行，和他一起读书，邀请他参与到家庭事务中，多听他的想法，放手给他去做决定，让他在体验和经历中明白——

手机的方寸之地外，原来还有这么多好玩有趣的事儿。

接受他还会犯错，还会犯瘾，还会三天打鱼两天晒网，还会往前走三步又往后退两步，但一定要鼓励他，一小步一小步地在好习惯中，重建自我。

走得多了，小步就变成了大步，孩子就变成了好孩子。

在行动中做到这一点，你才能来到第三个阶段——

给你全部的温柔

但我也有坚定的时候

这几年，孩子自残自杀事件的爆发，让不少家长都陷入迷茫：

真不知道该怎么管孩子了！

管得多了，孩子会跳楼！

不管他，又怕他走上邪路！

其实，不必过分担忧。

少年自杀身亡的事件，不管是过去还是现在，不管是国外还是国内，一直都有。因为，问题家庭，从未绝迹。

这些年，不过是网络发达，传播迅速，而教育焦虑，一次次把这类悲惨事件，在讨论中不断放大而已。

从概率上来讲，这些事件，永远是小概率的极端事件，只要你真正地爱你的孩子，他大概率会成长为健康而豁达的人。

那么，怎么才算真正的爱呢？

温柔而坚定的爱。

在日常生活中，给孩子全部的温柔和耐心，接纳和鼓励，分享和陪伴，而不是说教和唠叨，控制和绑架。

在具体事情上，要给孩子坚定的原则和边界，做对了就要大声表扬，做错了就要明确指出，失信了就要受到严惩，违规了就要付出代价。

最简单的例子就是，说好的只玩20分钟游戏，到点了就必须放下手机。否则，就失去下一次20分钟的机会。

家长做到言出必行，行必有果，孩子会在清晰的认知里，耳濡目染，明确自我。

一位叫“劲姊”的妈妈，在武汉14岁男生跳楼后，分享的自家孩子的故事：

“我家崽，也是一个不省心的孩子。

中学时，我多次被老师请到学校，以至于看见老师的电话就紧张。

但并没有因此指责打骂过孩子。

高一时，接到老师的电话，说我家小子伪造走读证（他是寄宿生）多次混出学校，那天终被抓获。

我当时在另一座城市，向老师说明情况，马上出发，晚上10点半才赶到学校。

我小心翼翼地问老师，孩子怎么样，老师说在外面罚站。

我看到我崽笔挺地站在走廊里。他看到我喊了一声‘妈妈’。

我问他吃饭了吗，他说没有。我到老师办公室，被告知处罚结果是，停课3天，记过处分。

我坦然接受，并向老师道歉，把崽带走，把路上把给他买的饭菜递给他。

在家三天，我一句也没提这件事。

第四天，送他去学校，进了校门口，才问他，你说说怎么和保安叔叔斗智斗勇的。

浑小子笑了，把事情从头到尾说一遍，其实也没做什么，就是混出去走走，或买杯饮料。

我说了句何苦呢，一个人的档案是要陪伴终身的，要珍惜自己的荣誉。

顺便告诉他“妈妈眼睛不好，那天赶去学校，心里又急。晚上开车上高速，万一出点事，你日子怎么过”。

从那以后，崽再也没给我添过乱。”

是的。

想要得到孩子的接纳，先接纳孩子。

想要得到孩子的爱，先爱孩子。

想要得到善果，先播种善因。

最后，如何和孩子相处？

有两个原则。

第一个原则就是，当孩子犯错的时候，要把他当一个孩子来看。

也就是说，他是孩子，还在成长，认知水平有限，自控能力不足，这些都是需要他慢慢学习和在父母的教导中学到的，请多些包容和耐心。

第二个原则就是，当你批评孩子的时候，一定要把他当个成年人来看。

站在一个成年人的角度，想想你要说的话，如果放在大人身上，会不会伤害自尊心？

孩子也是人，只要是人，被责骂就会伤心，不被尊重就会愤怒，受委屈了就会有恨，不被理解就会有痛苦。

教几个父母和孩子说话的小技巧：

请不要说：我和你说话呢，你这个孩子怎么回事？

请这么说：我感觉你今天有心事，你能不能和我说说看？看看爸爸（妈妈）能不能帮你。

请不要说：还不回房间去，这么晚了，别玩了，听到没有？我都说了好几遍了！

请这么说：还有十分钟就要睡觉了，你是先刷牙还是先洗脸？

请不要说：小孩子懂什么，你怎么这么犟啊？我都是为你好！

请这么说：你可以说不，但我需要知道你说不的理由，才能理解你呀！

有一本书，叫《为何家会伤人》，里面写到的场景，真的很让人刺痛。

你给了孩子恨，却妄想从他身上得到爱；

你给了孩子痛苦，却妄想从他身上收获感激；

你给了孩子阴影，却妄想他永远积极向上没有阴霾；

这是永远不可能的。

纪伯伦写过一首很有名的诗：

“你的儿女不是你的儿女

他们是生命对于自身渴望而诞生的孩子

他们借助你来到这世界、却非因你而来

他们在你身旁，却并不属于你”

希望所有的父母都能够明白这个道理：

孩子不是我们的附属品，更不是我们情绪的垃圾桶。

不要再以爱之名，做伤害孩子的事情了！

点亮【在看】，愿你我都懂得。

-END-

来源：闲时花开，原文有删节。作者：刘娜，80后老女孩，情感专栏作者，原创爆文写手，能写亲情爱情故事，会写亲子教育热点，被读者称为“能文艺也理性的女中年，敢柔情也死磕的傻大妞”。来源：闲时花开（ID：xsha369）。

本文部分内容综合桌子的生活观，作者：桌子先生。

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往期精彩：

14岁男生跳楼身亡真相曝光：​夺走孩子命的，不是妈妈那两巴掌

14岁男生跳楼身亡真相曝光：夺走孩子命的，不是妈妈那两巴掌